Today is 1st January 2021.
It’s a new year in the universal roman calendar year. Things these days need to be referenced to a certain label, or brand, or origin. Everything and everyone wants to be identified and belonged to something.
This is not a new year rant. 2020 has passed us by and we barely get to achieve any of our dreams but instead, the reality pushed us into realising things we’ve never dreamed of.
I’m on a New Year gateaway with my friends. The same group of people whom I spent my last few hours ushering in 2020 a year ago. Four of us headed to Langkawi instead. It’s very tough, planning an escape during a time where you need to be wary and safe always. We try our best, making things happen as much as we can, while being wary and safe.
I’m seated at the table by the pool (I almost wanted to write pool table but that’s a different kind of table), with my notebook and postcards, wanting to jot down things and write a few Happy New Year postcards but I didn’t really write the postcards. Maybe not yet. Maybe later. I don’t know. The sun is slowly heating up the weather, which we plan to take a bicycle ride around the valley where we stay in. Earlier today, I woke up with a slight hangover headache, jumped into the pool, then we went to Air Terjun Temurun and then to Pantai Tengkorak. I think if I end this with a hammam would be an incredible complete to my showering round today; but God is Great, we don’t need to be incredible in just one day. We must allow space for opportunities to fall in with time as well.
I don’t have wise words to share. In this trip, I have shared too many stupid nonsensical wisdoms. This 38 year old person is entering another year in a childlike manner. And I’m fine with that. We all learn and must continuously learn.
I said and written this hundreds of time this year – I lost my brother in April 2020. On the 11th April 2020. My older brother, the sibling closest to me growing up. He passed away at the age of 41 years old. It has been close to 9 months. We found him in his bed in the morning and I held him on my lap trying to call him back to life. Although in pain, he is now resting in eternal peace. We have been visiting his resting place every 2-3 weeks ever since, putting on fresh flowers and reciting prayers. I went to see him before I left for Langkawi on the 29th December 2020. I cried at his side. There have been a lot of tears running down, missing him, remembering him. As like any other siblings, we went through phases of resenting each other, blaming each other, fighting with each other, and of course, many phases of loving and depending on each other. I love him, always and forever.
I learn that always and forever doesn’t mean the same for everyone. For me, I am true to my words. At least I try my best to be true to my words, the best way that I can.
What I’ve shared here has been repeated elsewhere many times – whether it is in my thoughts, my Instagram captions and stories, my Twitter musings and ramblings, my ranting messages to dear friends. I wonder, if we see every single day as a new day, would our daily energy approaching every new day becomes an old routine?
I’m okay. I just want to try to write more.
Happy New Year. Again.
The Cosmic Abyss 