All posts by abbylatif

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In tears

Dear Forever,

I have always loved you, forever.

I don’t use you as a word often but I’ve decided to use you on someone because it’s just naturally fitting and most certain.

The weight of my word carries not only accountability but promises and certainty as well.

When I said forever, I really mean it to the core of my soul.

As if our souls are meant to be and only at a certain time of our interaction that we’re finally connected and realise that.

But forever is an eternity which could impossibly be measured by time. And time has its ups and downs. And time needs patience in between. And I need to also accept that these in-betweens have moments of sadness, a lot of tears and the interference of vicious thoughts. These in-betweens also will need space, silence and distance.

And while I spend some mornings in tears of missing my forever like this morning, there will be mornings where I need to have hopes that things will get better, for both of us, individually. That our hearts will grow stronger without the dependency on each other. That we always would fight for ourselves first in order to fight for the people we loved the most. And hurt can always be cured by faith. Faith that everything that has happened, happened to make us better and stronger.

But I do know one this for sure.

This one, I will love the most, always and forever.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

Raindrops keep falling on my head

Dear Rain,

There’s a song about you I’ve learned not to sing. Because I have come to embrace wanting you come down more often and enjoy the emotions that pours out to be cleansed even though I would not be able to run in the park to train and enhance my stamina.

Recently, I find you to be such a blessing. It’s not that I never thought that you’re not before. But it’s part of my healing journey that I’m beginning to be grateful for everything and starting to see the beauty in everything.

In this world with too much heat and greed, you wash away arrogance and wet souls that never shed any tears.

You remind me of the warmth of my lover, how I miss and long for it.

You remind me of childhood memories, ones I cannot visualise in detail but only feel and smile in its feeling.

You remind me of how healthy and wealthy Mother Nature used to be before man’s greed took over to gain profit out of concrete and material possessions.

Every time you come down, I get excited to reflect on my life and send prayers for my loved ones.

What an amazing wonder you are to the universe.

From the cumulus to cumulonimbus, to drops that touches the very soul of those who love.

Maybe when I have my own home, I’ll have a lawn or a courtyard where I can sit and meditate every time you come down. That would be such an awesome thing to do.

I love this feeling when you’re around.

Don’t ever go away. Please do come back another day.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To Love Songs

Dear Love Songs,

Why?

Why do you make us feel like we either need to live you, or that you are telling the stories of our lives?

Why do you make me cry when I listen to many of you, even though at times, it’s not related to my life at all but somehow you ignited the feelings within me that I felt so much for you?

Why can’t I write my own love songs? Is it because it has all been written?

I remember listening to love songs as a person who never knew what love is.

I now am listening to love songs as a person who have grown to be love herself.

So can I now be my own song?

A song that tells the story of a one true forever love?

A song that talks about how I wake up in the morning with thoughts that someone will wake up with smiles, not because she is thinking of me, but because she can feel all the love that I have for her?

A song that plans how the ideal future of building a home with the most amazing person I can ever find in my life?

A song that hums through a journey of ups and downs, of crash and burns, shouts and screams, of love and glory?

I don’t think I’ll ever sing my own love song. I could choke. I could choke because even with a love song that I can’t relate to, I am already crying – if it’s my love song, I can’t imagine the overwhelming emotions taking over me.

Maybe that’s why I can never write a love song.

So I wonder, how do people write you? How do you make sure that you’re hitting all the right notes, all the strategies, while being that one true food feeding the soul of those who loves love?

Please reply me with a song. One of your best love songs.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To The Future

Dear Future,

I know it’s a bit too early to talk about you but I have been thinking about you lately. And even if you’re nowhere near, your arrival is inevitable.

Yes, certain, that’s what you are. And I am very certain about a lot of things when I think of you. And of course, while I rather call it strategising and ambition-ing than what others might deem as delusional or in its malay entirety, ‘berangan‘, I truly believe in what I want to have in my future.

You definitely got me excited recently. And I kind of feed from this excitement. I practice in my mind, what and how it will happen – everything that I have plotted in you.

I love the certain things that is part of it. Funnily the heart and head, for the first time feels like they have found an agreement on something and that’s when I felt like the certainties are fitting. I have been trying to avoid using the word ‘right’. What I thought right might be wrong and when I am right, I probably left something out. So ‘fitting’ is something that is just apt for the moment and circumstance.

The one that I have been thinking of have all that I ever wanted and I know when it happens, when the universe gifts it to me as a present, it would be so much more.

It will have a home, that I get to build for and with the person I love the most. The home will embody both of us individually and as a unit. It will give us the family that we have always wanted, and the safe space that we will constantly improve and offer to everyone else as a refuge and escape.

It will have security, from things that will hold us back from achieving our dreams; and for us to explore adventures of seeing the world, learning about the many billions of people living in it, and understanding and caring for humanity.

And most importantly, it will have abundance of love. One I will consistently cultivate in my heart, in my soul, in my mind, in my smiles and in everything that I do. And that’s the everyday effort that I have been given the opportunity to make at this moment. My future, you, will flourish with so much love that it has become the entire purpose of it all.

It’s getting sunnier now. It was a bit gloomy earlier this morning. The near future will always make me smile. See, I know you’re near. Keep it warm, okay? Not too hot. I still want to consistently plot more things in you.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To Hollow

Dear Hollow,

In many ways, you have been found sacred. Although in definition, you’re a hole, an emptiness. To me, you’re that empty space that seems so light but feels so heavy.

Sometimes I look out of my window and felt how hollow it is this empty space within the universe in front of me, only filled by distance and air. And as much as air has its own molecule (and maybe that’s why I feel the heaviness), but the distant space in front of me feels empty.

And sometimes I feel this in my heart. And it’s crazy because first, I’m sure I don’t have that many airy spaces within my internal organs; and second, this emptiness somehow feeds to my being. As if I needed to feel or be this empty. So I feel you, I feel Hollow, in me.

I learned recently to make sure that most of my experiences, feelings, thoughts to be leaning towards positivity. I want to always smile and embrace everything that is happening to me consciously and subconsciously. But the thing is, you have also become a regular visitor to my being, to my soul. And funnily, I enjoy your company.

I do, enjoy your company. You have always been that emptiness that I cared for. So maybe, you are sacred. I just need to make sure I always smile when you’re around. So sadness doesn’t come follow, you know. Because as much as I respect sadness, it needs to be experienced just by itself. Because associating it with something else could be detrimental to my healing process.

Stay as long as you can but not too long.

For I still want to be full. Of my own self.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To Longing, When Will You Be?

To Longing,

It’s been awhile since we’ve been with each other. Sometimes I can’t remember our life together but somehow now everything seems so familiar, although, a little bit heavier.

That’s what experience do to you. They made you more solid so there’s a weight to everything now.

When we were together back then, it was for something I know nothing of. Something I’ve never experienced before, wholeheartedly. I had an idea of what it was, but it was just that, an idea.

Yes, I’m talking about love. No, it’s not lame. Everyone ought to be talking about love. Everyone should. That’s how we grow, with love. Every living thing in this universe grows on love. And we should not categorise love. Love is love. The more, the better, the faster you can grow with. Imagine a plant not being kissed by the sun or touched by water. Imagine a person not being kissed by lips or embraced by hugs. We all want to grow and we all need love to grow.

As I’m typing these words on my keyboard, I felt like a musician, a pianist, hitting the buttons of melodies and creating rhythm with the words that is coming from my heart. And that, I feel, so much love for what I am doing right now.

But this is something I wanted to talk to you about. After for so long, living with you, longing, I found Belonging. I found love. I learned how to love. I learned how love felt like, when it’s given to me. I can feel it so much, every single second of every single day. I felt belonged. The thing that I longed for so long, has become. It happens.

And now, circumstances and life, as we grow, brings me back to you, the state of longing. As much as I embrace and accept my reality, as much as I hope and envision my future, as much as I courageously carry myself through this healing process – Yes, I long. I long for love. But in a different context. Because I know it’s there, I have it, it is happening, but in a different dimension of reality that traverse through a multitude of emotions and a prism of consciousness. I am certain of the love that I have, I am certain of the love that I need, I am certain of the love that I want – but at the same time, I am yearning for its manifestation.

I do miss you. I do secretly enjoy this feeling. There’s a certain pleasure in hollowness and a certain need for void. There’s a weird craving for absence and a simple pleasure derived from distance.

You have been a good friend to me. But we know, we don’t belong to each other. But you’ll be in my life, for sure. You, longing, will keep on giving me that strength to run for another day, so I can be the love that I’ve always long for.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif