m.e.r.d.e.k.a.

In a country’s term of ‘Merdeka (Independence)”, it means ‘self-sufficient’, not ‘freedom’. For the people, it’s just a change of government because no matter what, we are still being ruled and our voices will not be heard. Putting the skeptic aside, I am wishing you the freedom of not having fear to speak up for who you are and your rights on this day. And let peace and love be the ruling constitution of our soul. HAPPY FREEDOM DAY! Enjoy the day with your loved ones!

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Ramadhan – Week One

O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that ye may (learn) self-restraint, -. (Fasting) for a fixed numbers of days; but if any of you is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed number (should be made up) from days later. For those who can do it (with hardship), is a ransom, the feeding of one that is indigent. But he that will give more, of his own free will, – it is better for him. And it is better for you that ye fast, if ye only knew. Ramadan is the (month) in which was sent down the Qur’an, as a guide to mankind, also clear (Signs) for guidance and judgment (between right and wrong). So every one of you who is present (at his home) during that month should spend it in fasting, but if any one is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed period (should be made up) by days later. God intends every facility for you; He does not want to put you to difficulties. (He wants you) to complete the prescribed period, and to glorify Him in that He has guided you; and perchance ye shall be grateful. When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to My call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way. Permitted to you, on the night of the facts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. God knoweth what ye used to do secretly among yourselves; but He turned to you and forgave you; so now associate with them, and seek what God hath ordained for you, and eat and drink, until the white thread of dawn appear to you distinct from its black thread; then complete your fast till the night appears; but do not associate with your wives while ye are in retreat in the mosques. Those are Limits (set by) God: approach not nigh thereto. Thus doth God make clear His Signs to men: that they may learn self-restraint. And do not eat up your property among yourselves for vanities, nor use it as bait for the judges, with intent that ye may eat up wrongfully and knowingly a little of (other) people’s property.
(Al-Baqarah 2:183-188)

1 Ramadhan – Saturday – 22nd August 2009
We went back to Parit to spend first iftar with Opah and Mak Nyah. It was a great trip because it was very peaceful being in the kampung, in Opah’s wooden house. I always love it when I’m out of town and back into the kampung. Brings back lots of memories. Opah is well, Alhamdulillah.

A: awak. saya kat kampung, parit. its so serene. rumah opah saya dekat jalan besar and betul-betul mengadap madrasah. altho it has been raining but yes, ramadhan kicks off with such beauty, a blessing by itself.
V: The skies today.. Subhan’allah..mcm God tu nak tell us Ramadhan is gonna be a beautiful month! Just felt like I needed to share with u tht!
A: InsyAllah satu hari nanti saya bawa awak dan xxx balik kampung saya kat Parit. It is so serene here, sangat kampung, sangat sunyi dan tenang.
V: Tht wud be nice.. I’d like tht! Just selesai terawih.. Hope u had a splendid iftar just now..

2nd until 6th Ramadhan – Sunday until Thursday – 23rd until 27th August 2009
Back home, quiet family berbuka puasa which is good. Didn’t go out, it’s just nice to be home. But am back to my daily task of preparing the drinks for Iftar except for working day. Although Wednesday, I was spiritually down and couldn’t carry on fasting, end up in the office late and went for drinks with Farah. Despite the tiredness of my insomniac life, we managed to crack up laughing most of the times.

A: A ruba’i from the sufi, Baba Tahir, translated to Malay:-

Bagaikan kembang bakung
di atas mawar
Rambutmu yang terurai diuntai;

Kibaskan rambutmu yang gemerlap itu,
Dan lihat, betapa seorang pemuja remaja
Bergantung pada sehelai rambutmu.

Semilir yang memeriakkan rambutmu
Harum semerbak melebihi bunga.

Di dalam tidur kudakap bayanganmu,
Dan apabila mataku terbuka
Tercium olehku semerbak mawar.
Berilah aku dua untaian rambutmu,
Untuk pengikat serulingku ini;
Kerana engkau tidak akan membalas cintaku,
Mengapakah engkau setiap malam menghantarkan
Mimpi-mimpi syahdu, untuk menyayat hatiku?

Dua buat mata yang memandang redup,
Dua buah untaian rambut yang terurai lepas,
Sebuah tubuh ramping yang menggoda
Benarkah engkau berkata, “Wahai mengapakah engkau berduka?”

Engkaulah yang memiliki jiwa ragaku,
Wahai kekasihku yang manis suci;
Tidak dapat kukatakan apa yang kudukakan,
Namun yang kuketahui pasti,
Engkau seoranglah penawar hati.

V: *I felt that Aby* Sooo.. Very…

7th Ramadhan – Friday – 28th August 2009
Had an office Iftar although the only Muslim fasting were me and Taj. Haha. Although me and Serena arrived late at Madam Kwan, it’s great to be eating at that end of the table beside Sanju’s 5 year old boy, Agastya. He was feeding me his fries while Serena kept on plunking all the food from her plate to mine. Yes, bonding session with Abby includes making her … fatter. Later, I accepted Ash’s offer to join her at Bangkok Jazz for her friend, Tony Leo Selvaraj’s show. Went there a bit early and end up at the bar with my Coke. Have become quite behaving of late, me. πŸ™‚ Muid and Amin joined later and apparently Faz was playing the guitar for Tony so I managed to say hi before the show starts. Ash and Mien came a bit later but took turns to hangout with me at the bar until Tony sang ‘Love Foolosophy’ which made me hyped up and Ash jumped up from her seat and immediately joined me to feel the groove. Hehehe. Well, it wasn’t the best cover of ‘Love Foolosophy’ but the music is still good nonetheless. Made a pact with Iskandar for Ramly Burger so I ditched Bangkok Jazz at 11.30pm and made my way to Ampang for the pursuit of the infamous OM Burger Sepah with Ena, Iskandar, Muid and Waa. We bought to be taken away to Syahrin‘s new office at Bukit Antarabangsa and ended up lepaking and watching Entrapment and a documentary about Annie Leibovitz on his new Home Theatre system with Radzi. Got home at 3am-ish. Hehe.

8th Ramadhan – Saturday – 29th August 2009
Mama invited Yongie and her family over for Iftar at our home. It was great seeing longer after awhile and her tummy has grown very very big since the last time I saw her. I’m pretty excited to get my first niece! Aisyah Nurr is going to get a lot of loving from her cool aunty. Hehehehe.

9th Ramadhan – Sunday – 30th August 2009
Malik invited us to join them for Iftar at Sari Ratu Restaurant. It was one of the quietest Merdeka Eve ever. I felt so old when I can’t even remember the last time I celebrated Merdeka’s eve. We tend to not celebrate any eve because we want to avoid traffic these days. A bunch of old tarts we are. Ash invited me over for a Yasmin screening at her house around 9pm but I had to decline since I’ll be out with the family. Dinner was great, despite the fact Muid sprained his foot and was in pain, but we took him for a jab on our way home. Bought a copy of Yes Man DVD and it turned out to be a BAD copy. I’m losing faith in piracy! Boohoo …

10th Ramadhan – Monday – 31st August 2009
Oh, so it’s Merdeka? Well, didn’t really felt like it. I decided to go to the No Plastic Bag Bazaar at Noble Banquet, Jalan Bukit Bintang, organised by The Recyclist and Threadszoo. Reason being was because I pledged to use less plastic bag since I participated in 2008’s No Plastic Bag Concert at Eastin Hotel and because Ida Mariana was scheduled to perform. Managed to say hi to Angelia, Don and their 3 boys before they left, managed to catch Deanna at her stall and bought a cool pagoda shirt made into a bag which she sewed herself, and lepaked with Ida in front of the stage and enjoyed all the performance until it ended. Although my raffles ticket didn’t get me lucky to win anything, it was great to see and be around such loving and warm hearted sincere people working for a cause. After the Bazaar, I picked up Suzie and head to Studio Cafe to break fast with Shafinaz and Gjie. Being the youngest among such frank and direct sisters, I got told off advised a lot and they, of course, made me laugh so very hard until my tummy got cramps. It was great great great Merdeka, despite it being a Black Merdeka. Maybe just because I made a choice on how I would spend it, for a good cause and with the right people. πŸ™‚ Bless, I’m grateful to the AlMighty.

I: Thank you for supporting us girl… Spread the word on plastic bags and being kinder to animals. Spay your cat! πŸ˜‰
A: Always glad to support. I sell recyclables to my vendor every month, I always believe in helping little by little setakat mampu. I will spay my cat, insyAllah. Best thing, being with warm friendly people who believes in doing good, so whatever it is, it was actually my pleasure. Like my blog’s tagline, Love is the gravity that pulls everyone to sanity.
I: Yeah … That’s why i love doing there things with them… Such unselfish people… All not about us… Not the singers nor the celebs… But just all about the causes… πŸ™‚
I: Sent this to the organisers >>> What beautiful effort you guys. It’s always worth trying out different ways of raising awareness on issues that matter and affect humanity… Fantastic jobs!! It’s true that angels are around us all the time… I saw many many many today… May you be blessed a hundred times and over for your efforts my darlings. God bless :-*
A: That’s why I live for this, despite the judgemental bitch I am. You can sense sincerity and honesty from people which makes you believe that there is hope for this world we live in.
I: πŸ™‚ … Ah so you felt it and feel it you. You are a blessed soul then. You feel the genuine … ❀
A: You too babe.. You are one sweet pure soul yourself..
I: Aw…… chenksyuwermush…… takes one spotted monkey to spot anudder… πŸ˜‰

Salaam Ramadhan

It has been awhile since I last wrote anything. Melayu MEMANG Malas. Be it from Pagar Ruyung or India or Patani or Acheh like my Ancestors. Sama sahaja.

Okay, I’m not here to bitch about … my roots. Although in the near future, we are all going to be labeled under one race – Bangsa Malaysia. Which is good. I never feel so much Malaysian than I am now despite the political propaganda happening in the news and elsewhere outside my realm. The people I am surrounded with are the best support system and love promoters around and I couldn’t be more blessed.

Okay, I’m not here to take pride about … my support system … wait, yes, I AM.

Today is 3rd Ramadhan. In half an hour, we will enter the third day of fasting, so as I finish my final glass of water for the day, I shall write about what is and has happened in the past few weeks.

It has been 3 weeks … since I saw her. I do miss her. Tremendously a lot. After 18 months she disappeared, then she was there, then we hugged, then, still without words, she disappeared back into where I can’t reach her, in that darkhole vacumm I never know where, where my radar (since my gaydar sucks) can’t even seem to work. I do miss talking to her. It is tough, although I have taught myself otherwise. I wish she would’ve just said one word, but from that one, I will crave for more words, because I’m an addict, easily addicted to one person, and she, is a whole different issue when it comes to my addiction. Maybe it’s for the best, Wallahualam, only God knows.

My friend Vic is flying to perform her umrah later this afternoon. It’s amazing to know someone your age has found the light, and is in her spiritual journey in finding God, although we both have agreed that we don’t need to look any further than to just close our eyes and talk to God. It’s simply amazing being close to her these past few weeks, being able to talk about how we lost someone we loved (ie the above person mentioned), and putting it all to our Faith to believe that all these happens for the best reason, wishing the one who left us the best in life and love and so forth. Last Thursday, during BREATHE, Vic dropped by to give me something before she left. It was ‘A Year With Rumi’ book, something I have been eyeing for so long. She said she bought it in Singapore and wished I don’t have a copy yet so she can give this one to me. Although she couldn’t stay long until my reading turn comes up, hugging her and seeing her sweet self was a great pleasure. I have overcome wanting to date or fall in love with someone because the people I meet, such as Vic, gave me those love without judgement, maybe not the one people would perceive as a “love relationship”, but one God willing for me to have, one that makes me smile and know for sure, I AM LOVED. Last night, I called her to wish her well and safe for her journey, her solo spiritual journey, that I am very excited for her and will always pray for her safety and blessings.

These past few weeks, it has been easy for me to fall in love with the new friends I’ve made. By time, I have never felt so love, by people who knew me, and who just got to know me. My vocation is love, a very ambitious pursuit, one I think I’m born for.

Mama asked me last night, if I have a boyfriend. I laughed. I said no. I find all the guys I’m with to be my brothers. Then she said her office people said that her daughter might be gay. I told Mama, if I am gay (yes, IF?), where’s my girlfriend? I just told her, if Rabiatul Adawiyah, a great Wali Allah, can be unmarried, I think I’m one of those not meant for marriages.

It’s not that I am against any kind of partnership. I once told her (ie the above person mentioned), that I would be that one, who will take care of her. I will make a great domestic partner, of course Serena agreed so, due to my greatly publicised responsible trustworthy attitude πŸ˜‰ I also have no hesitation to actually have a place of my own, and live with someone, I can go there, I can settle down like that, I am that kind of person who will want to go back home to someone. But since there’s none at the moment, my priorities shifted to other things. Like My family. My friends. My cats. Yes. I is no life. πŸ˜›

Since I can’t write any more poem of late, let me share one of my favourites, the last poem I sent to her.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

~ Pablo Neruda

To write a story

I was walking down to the station to get some sundae cone and I end up sitting at the bench by the corridor and watch the people walk by while the nice soft breeze played with my new mohawky hair.

I see people walking by. I wanted to smile at them but they just glance away. And maybe it will get tad freaky to see a stranger ‘sengih kambing’ at you.

Everyone walks heading for their lunch break. Some might have other things or errands to run.

I wish I can grab one person at some point and listen to their story.

What happened when they were 11. Where they have been. What makes them smile for the day.

I wish I have time to listen to my own loved ones.

In 30 minutes, I sat and smoked and watched people walked by.

Everyone has a story.

Not all tell or write it down.

Some people needs inspirations. Some are inspiring themselves.

I wish I can learn what makes you smile. And laugh. And cry.

Who passed away and made you change.

Who gives you warm hugs when you’re down crying about something.

I don’t recommend myself to be that person.

But.

I want to listen to your story.

Cry with you on the sad ones.

Laugh with you on the funny ones.

And say. You ARE interesting.

“The lamps are different, but the light is the same” ~ Rumi

One storyteller passed on. She constantly tells us that everyone has a story to tell. And everyone is amazing. Because everyone comes from God. And GOD is Mightily Amazing.