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Human down.

It has been awhile since I’ve written anything.

My intern reads this blog.

Maybe I should stop writing right now. But I can’t.

People don’t respect you for your strength.

People respect you for your vulnerability.

Nah, that’s bullshit.

People only respect you when you have a lot of money and fame.

And of course if you have a lot of followers on your social media accounts.


What a term to be used by a civilisation that upholds so much on their religious integrity.

“We unfollowed Neelofa because she did a hijab launch in a night club.”

Says the people who choose to idolise celebrities and follow celebrities’ social media account updates religiously.

This brain of mine, does not think straight.

Alongside all the other things in my life that is not even straight to begin with.

Today has been a very tiring day.

It’s hard being such an emotional weak and vulnerable person.

And it’s harder for the same person to have so much pride to not be dependent on anyone or anything.

I have 99 things to do but I have spent my entire day apologising 99 times instead of doing those 99 things.

Here’s the thing about life.

No one cares.

And people take things for granted.

And you know what you should do?

Have a cookie.

Let it crumble in you.

While life crumbles in front of you.


Writing a blogpost

That is the title of this post, as well as the act of it.

I have run out of ideas on what to write so I wanted to jot in what I can remember from this fried tired brain of mine while the movie I’m watching is downloading the final 20 minutes of it.

It’s been awhile since I’ve religiously written blogposts. I remember my blogging days, back in 2006 until 2010. I was diligently or probably prolifically post 2 or 3 posts a day. I can’t imagine now, what I possibly have in my brain, that much thoughts and words. Those were the days before social media. Those were the blogging days. I was 24 when I was religiously blogging, or I might say a blogger. And it’s not like I didn’t have friends. I have tons of friends. I was writing long emails to them, I was chatting up with them on Google Talk and Yahoo! Messenger and yet, I still have words to write in my blog. How is that even possible, I cannot imagine now.

These days, my thoughts either could not be translated into words or just simply flew out of my mind like a breeze of farting gas.

I look around social media at the evolution of content. Thoughts translated into a series of Twitter threads. Appreciation of beauty (or disaster) manifested in instagram posts. Essay-worthy rants on Facebook statuses. Facial expressions recorded with Snapchat filters.

We live in an online validation world where followers and likes accredit your worth regardless if you are a crook or a timid anti-social. Because you are taken at face value or online persona regardless how you actually are as a person. And the more people validates your online existence, your worth increases without you even having to have an actual personality or charisma. Oh, and charisma, is a word that carries no value anymore in this social media world.

I had to stop here. The word Charisma took the weight down on me. I look highly to people who exude charisma in their presence. But thanks to social media, this belief has been ripped out apart. I now see people liking stuff of people they know for sure are not of great presence to be with and in. And it makes me sad.

So this is my blogpost for tonight. It has driven off tangent from what it originally supposed to be. On the brightside, I have 15 minutes worth of movie downloaded and now I can enjoy that. Until I have enough focus to write my next blogpost, I shall just start deleting those thousands of whatever images being sent on whatsapp and now making my phone stuck. It’s not so smart, after all.

Where are these voices coming from?

I hear it but I cannot identify where it’s coming from.

Is it from your heart?

Is it from my heart?

Is it from my fear?

Is it my subconscious?

I write words.

Words that does not have any importance in the virtual realm.

But in this realm where my soul exist,

these words carry the weight of a lot of heart breaks.

I scroll timelines and watch stories of people around me

And nothing answers anything.

How do you mute a voice that is not even there?

How do you silent a calling that does not call you?

We live in a monochrome of speeding lights

each one piercing through our senses

Our being become this penetrable form that doesn’t confine substance.

But here we are looking left right above and below

Trying to find where these voices are coming from.

This is not a diluted Brownian finding purpose.

In this empty abyss, all I hear is voices.

And that is all that is in my mind.

But in my heart, is a different voice.

Telling me to keep loving you.


Then how?

First of all, I want to warn you that this post could sound a bit arrogantly narcissistic but it is not, or it’s not meant to.

Because one, I really don’t think I am that smart (because if not, I would’ve been making RM 15,000 to RM 25,000 a month in a senior management position right about now)

and two, I am very worried of the subtle ignorance of people which I think should not be there in the first place.

Here’s the thing. People of today’s world are not alert and observant when they want to do things. And I’m not even being specific about certain age groups whether it is the millennials or anything, I think it’s more of the world that is feeding the people of today. People choose to be aloof and blur thinking maybe that’s how creativity works. I’m not so sure if that’s how the world is built but during my days as I was growing up, being alert and fast allow me to be ahead of others. And I’m always, to this very day, aspired to be ahead of others.

The world has been leading people to be lazy in how they think and act because of what is available to them.

There’s Waze and Google Maps so that you don’t have to practice your navigation memory or the art and bravery of asking for directions.

There’s smartphones so that you don’t have to remember anyone’s phone numbers.

There’s flexible office hours at the office so that you don’t have to wake up early in the morning to go to work.

There’s the internet and ebooks so you don’t have to read normal physical books anymore.

There’s social media so you don’t have to build interpersonal skills to interact with people in physical life.

And of course there’s autocorrect so you don’t have to pay attention or be careful when you’re writing.

The worst part is, the world is championing and supporting all these advancement thus feeding the people until they don’t become resourceful, observant, alert and careful people with good interpersonal skills.

It’s not that I oppose any of these help. I too, am guilty for taking advantage of most of it.

But what kind of people will the world have now?

Keyboard warriors who are mostly dependent on the cloud and harddrive memories; do not have proper manners in real-life interaction and conversations; can’t write without using a spell-checker; have no navigation skills and wear glasses since they’re small?

I live and work among these people. My habits are slowly changing to fit in as well.

But then I look at myself. Am I being a smart-ass when I pointed out the smallest and simplest thing that one can do with one’s brain and not the help of technology?

I am not a smart person, if not I’d be rich by now.

But I really don’t want to be one of these people because I want to be ahead of them.

She is love

Before this, I live my life everyday with a lot of ‘what if’s.

That’s why the movie Sliding Doors really intrigued me. I like the fact that there are two possibilities. That there are two realms that possibly exist side by side.

Today, only one realm exist, and for now, I cannot for the life of me imagine it to be without her.

They say many things about love.

I have written many things about love.

But I have written those things in longing for love.

And now I am starting to believe that they too, wrote it, in longing for love.

The ideal love that they have envisioned to be when they finally get it.

Sometimes we assume things when we don’t know.

And that was what they wrote.

Love is this, love is that.

Love is seas, love is sack.

But when you meet the right one, everything you read, everything you said, could be crap.

Sometimes, I go through verses and verses of love poems from my favourite poets and still can’t find the right thing to describe her.

If love is magical, then maybe it could be a trick too.

For once in my life, I can’t write what love is.

Because it’s too complicated but feels so true in nature.

It is uncertain, I cannot say forever at all.

It is by the moment but you live life vicariously on a thread.

And the thing is, it is so real and yet surreal.

I no longer have ‘what if’s. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not but I realise that it is my life now.

And if anything that could define what love is,

I know for sure I can’t imagine anyone else than her.

So who do you look up and listen to?

Well, to be honest, it’s more like who do you look up and read.

But yeah, that’s the thing.

Social media… so many topics and angles we can write about the pros and cons of social media. But there’s one thing that have been bothering my mind of late.

That credibility of opinions now is based on how many likes and how often a person talk about an issue, rather than experience and real case studies.

I was born in 1982. Meaning I am an 80’s child that grew up in the 90’s and stepped into the world when the world stepped into the millennium. I was that generation that was introduced to MTV, E! News, cable TVs, software engineering, hand-phones and computers. We were the Gen X border-lining with Gen Y, if the Gen terms are involved.

So growing up, I read the stories of my culture and social issues discussed, written and told by the likes of scholars such as Karim Raslan, Farish Noor, Amir Muhammad, Kam Raslan, Rehman Rashid. I read the Malay poetry emoted by Salleh ben Joned, A. Samad Said, Amir Hamzah, Usman Awang and slowly (really slowly) reading the archipelago literature works of Pramoedya Ananta Toer and Hamka.

We didn’t have social media back then.

And the works of these amazing authors, writers, artisans, social philosophers and anthropologists allowed us to view and reflect on our culture, roots and opinions on where we are heading or should head next. These people who on ground and experience life during times of war, reformation, and regeneration. It gives me great pride to be able to read their works, especially when it received accolades locally and internationally supported by grants from international bodies.

The youths of today does not read these works now, nor do they know or recognise these names. They read timelines. Twitter timelines. Tumblr timelines. Instagram timelines. Facebook timelines. These timelines are fed by words and opinions of their peers. So eventually they don’t really have to look out for credible sources of information. What people post on their social media has become a legit source of information, enough for them. Some will have the tendency to cross-check the legitimacy, only when they have doubts and slightly disagreement with that particular opinion.

The youths today read timelines.

It’s suffice to say that the youths today look no further than their own peers and timelines to have opinions thus validate each other’s credibility.

I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Peer influence is an amazing thing to explore, it’s comforting when one feel relate-able to a certain opinion or thoughts posed by another person within the same age range or school of thought (which usually are also from the same age range).

Does peer validation gives credibility?

Only through social media, it does. People don’t care anymore about how many degrees you have or how many years of experience you have in a subject matter. What people see is how many Retweets or Likes you have on your posts. This is an instant validation to what you have to say, regardless whether you are qualified or experience enough to say it.

I learned that I should not talk about things I know nothing of or I have yet to experience. So for me, I either quote someone (which means I really have to read a lot) or I have to experience it to give my point of view in it. Not through other people’s opinions that I feed off from my timeline.

In the wise words of one of the best female comics in history, Amy Poehler,

Try to keep your mind open to possibilities and your mouth closed on matters you don’t know about. – Amy Poehler

The Things We Talk About

As , my recent blogging/articles platform refuse to load its page on my Chrome browser, I started to jot down what I wanted to write on my notepad, then got sidetracked to googling my previous articles online which then led me to my wordpress which is actually still pretty much alive.

So that’s the backstory to what I’m about to write, about.

I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile, but more often than not, I wasn’t in a situation conducive enough to sit down and get it out of my head.

Excuse the rambling. It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. We’ll get there. Eventually.

So right now I’m approaching my seventh month in a pretty stable relationship, and probably, if I am not mistaken, my first ever solid relationship. We’re crazy about each other, we’re very much in love with each other and to cut the story short, our lovey dovey dopeness could make a lot of people vomit (don’t get me started on the number of “I love you”s in a day – okay I won’t, my maths is still pretty bad).

But as I go through this relationship, I started observing other relationships around me. And what I like most is the things we talk about when there’s just the two of us.

Everyday, I look forward to those times where we get to sit down and talk about our day which eventually turn into a discussion on many other things. And if our day goes by without us having the chance to meet each other (since we don’t live together, yet), I feel quite hollow inside despite the fact the unsaid things get bottled up.

I observe the people around me, and how they communicate in their relationships. A few days ago, I overheard a conversation between a middle-aged teacher with her husband and she was telling him everything that has been happening at school so far (it was only lunchtime) and addressed everyone by their first name when she was telling the story (me included, as I was the facilitator for the workshop we conducted in her school). And when she ended the phone call, she told me that due to their different working schedule, phone calls have been the main medium of communications. But for me, to see a couple in their 13th or 14th year of marriage to still be able to make sure that they keep each other updated, is already amazing, especially when the type of conversation they had over the phone was almost similar to my conversation with my girlfriend.

Then of course, there are couples who don’t really have the need to talk to each other everyday. My birthfriend can go on for a few days not talking to her boyfriend and she’s fine with that.

My parents, who are in their 39th year of marriage, talk about matters from TV dramas to their friends and also the news headlines (more like just a touch on the surface rather than in-depth discussions).

As I mentioned earlier, this is my first solid relationship. I have never been with anyone that I could have conversations as in-depth in issues, or deep in spiritual, or stupid in nature. I find it intriguing and I really starting to pay attention to these conversations that will take place at random times in our lives, hopefully more in numbers although random in nature.

It’s amazing how we can share so many things between just two people and there’s never scarcity of things to talk about.

But the thing is… it can get to a point where I keep on repeating or recycling my stories to her, and she’ll listen until it’s finished then say, “You’ve told me this one already.” Well, I guess aside from love is blind, love should just play deaf too. Alang-alang.