To never be disregarded

I let myself
into the walls
you build from me

Gotta Find You by Disco Hue

 

There’s a woman on the outside
Looking inside, Does she see me?
No she does not really see me
Cause she sees her own reflection

Tom’s Diner by Suzanne Vega

 

Your ears are full, but you’re empty
Holding out your heart
To people who never really
Care how you are

Coffee & TV by Blur

 

You want me
Well come on and break the door down
You want me
Fucking come on and break the door down

Talk Show Host by Radiohead

 

If this is love, I don’t want it
If this is love, you can keep it
You call this love, you don’t respect it
If this is love, why am I hurting?

Lanes by Yuna

 

Make me a pretty person
Make me feel like I belong
Make me hard and make me happy
Make me beautiful
The emptiness
The craziness
Satisfy this loneliness
Darling how would it feel?

Sleep Together by Garbage

 

Pretty baby you are the soul that snaps my control
It’s a funny thing but everytime I’m near you
I never can behave
You give me a smile and I’m wrapped up in your magic

Moody’s Mood For Love (I’m In The Mood For Love) by Quincy Jones

 

We won’t even have to shout
‘Cause not even words can find a way out

Keep On Calling by Nilüfer Yanya

 

And on the topic of trust, it’s just a matter of fact
That people bite back and fracture what’s intact

You Got Me by The Roots feat. Jill Scott

 

I’m so sorry
My spirit’s rarely in my body
It wanders through the dry country
Looking for a good place to rest
Your head upon my chest
And I can feel the pillow of your breast
You are worth hundreds of sparrows

Hundreds Of Sparrows by Sparklehorse

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Pulang

Last Tuesday, I was privileged enough to be given the opportunity to watch a new movie called “Pulang” (Coming Home), directed by the amazing Kabir Bhatia based on a true personal story shared by Primework Studios’ CEO, Ahmad Izham Omar. It is a story about his grandfather who left his grandmother and father to sail, see the world, get more fortune so he can come home and provide a better life for his family but in the end, he never came back.

Poster Filem Kabir Bhatia Pulang 1

I think people have soft spots for real/true stories that we don’t really have much comments on the story itself as it is a personal journey by someone. I will try not to give any spoilers because it’s one of those movies I really want people to watch.

Kabir Bhatia is one of the renowned directors in Malaysia. I remember being invited to do a blogger’s screening for one of his earlier movies – “Cinta” back in 2006. Having Kabir Bhatia on board to direct and visualise Ahmad Izham’s story was a great choice – and knowing Ahmad Izham from his unique eye for talent, quality and standard, I’m sure he won’t settle for anything less than what the incredible Kabir Bhatia could bring to life on screen. So we are already assured that it would be a stunning movie.

But I was more blown by the visually stunning shots done by the Director of Photography/Cinematographer, a new name I have yet to see as an audience (or maybe I haven’t been paying that much attention) – Zambree Haras. The movie is beautifully shot so it create an ambiance that is close to Lovely Bones and The Big Fish kind of feeling.

I am really trying my best to reserve my comments on the acting. The only spot on acting was Erwin Dawson’s being Ahmad. (I’ve deleted many sentences for this part of the review, haha).

I wish it has a better or heavier percentage in just one genre. Right now it looks a bit 50/50 – 50% action and 50% drama. However, we all like a lot of elements in a movie so we can always be distracted to something else when something else doesn’t catch our attention.

My other comment is that I wonder if there are different types of make-up artists in the Malaysian film industry – like one for really transforming someone into a different age and one just to make up a character to look nice on set. Maybe it’s time for our make-up artists to consider really exploring expertise in these areas – transforming characters.

It’s a story with many angles of development, this movie in particular focused on narration by the main character, Che Thom, wife of Othman, another character who also narrated it from his story and the grandson, Ahmad who narrated on his journey to fulfill his grandmother’s last wishes and put the pieces of the story together to find closure for everyone. I wish we could also see Omar’s story, the son who was left behind and how he grew up having an absent father as his ultimate role model and his life with the mother, waiting for his father to return back home.

I am very glad I get to watch this movie and have discussions about it afterwards. My boss, Ngai Yuen who watched the movie too told me, if we’re having such a discussion about this film, it means that it’s a film good enough and worthy enough for a discussion. We need to bring back intellectual discussions to the film industry, not fluffy media questions like “What did you do to cry for this scene?” or “Was it good working for this director?”. I rather ask “What would we do differently?” because that shows another person’s ability to adapt the story and the story’s potential to be presented in a variety of ways.

Pulang the movie opens today, 26th July 2018 in cinema nationwide. My mom already asked me to bring her to watch this movie. So let’s all bring our loved ones to watch it.

Hopefully we have more people talking about movies, constructively.

WhatsApp Image 2018-07-26 at 11.33.26 AM

Human down.

It has been awhile since I’ve written anything.

My intern reads this blog.

Maybe I should stop writing right now. But I can’t.

People don’t respect you for your strength.

People respect you for your vulnerability.

Nah, that’s bullshit.

People only respect you when you have a lot of money and fame.

And of course if you have a lot of followers on your social media accounts.

Followers.

What a term to be used by a civilisation that upholds so much on their religious integrity.

“We unfollowed Neelofa because she did a hijab launch in a night club.”

Says the people who choose to idolise celebrities and follow celebrities’ social media account updates religiously.

This brain of mine, does not think straight.

Alongside all the other things in my life that is not even straight to begin with.

Today has been a very tiring day.

It’s hard being such an emotional weak and vulnerable person.

And it’s harder for the same person to have so much pride to not be dependent on anyone or anything.

I have 99 things to do but I have spent my entire day apologising 99 times instead of doing those 99 things.

Here’s the thing about life.

No one cares.

And people take things for granted.

And you know what you should do?

Have a cookie.

Let it crumble in you.

While life crumbles in front of you.

Writing a blogpost

That is the title of this post, as well as the act of it.

I have run out of ideas on what to write so I wanted to jot in what I can remember from this fried tired brain of mine while the movie I’m watching is downloading the final 20 minutes of it.

It’s been awhile since I’ve religiously written blogposts. I remember my blogging days, back in 2006 until 2010. I was diligently or probably prolifically post 2 or 3 posts a day. I can’t imagine now, what I possibly have in my brain, that much thoughts and words. Those were the days before social media. Those were the blogging days. I was 24 when I was religiously blogging, or I might say a blogger. And it’s not like I didn’t have friends. I have tons of friends. I was writing long emails to them, I was chatting up with them on Google Talk and Yahoo! Messenger and yet, I still have words to write in my blog. How is that even possible, I cannot imagine now.

These days, my thoughts either could not be translated into words or just simply flew out of my mind like a breeze of farting gas.

I look around social media at the evolution of content. Thoughts translated into a series of Twitter threads. Appreciation of beauty (or disaster) manifested in instagram posts. Essay-worthy rants on Facebook statuses. Facial expressions recorded with Snapchat filters.

We live in an online validation world where followers and likes accredit your worth regardless if you are a crook or a timid anti-social. Because you are taken at face value or online persona regardless how you actually are as a person. And the more people validates your online existence, your worth increases without you even having to have an actual personality or charisma. Oh, and charisma, is a word that carries no value anymore in this social media world.

I had to stop here. The word Charisma took the weight down on me. I look highly to people who exude charisma in their presence. But thanks to social media, this belief has been ripped out apart. I now see people liking stuff of people they know for sure are not of great presence to be with and in. And it makes me sad.

So this is my blogpost for tonight. It has driven off tangent from what it originally supposed to be. On the brightside, I have 15 minutes worth of movie downloaded and now I can enjoy that. Until I have enough focus to write my next blogpost, I shall just start deleting those thousands of whatever images being sent on whatsapp and now making my phone stuck. It’s not so smart, after all.

Where are these voices coming from?

I hear it but I cannot identify where it’s coming from.

Is it from your heart?

Is it from my heart?

Is it from my fear?

Is it my subconscious?

I write words.

Words that does not have any importance in the virtual realm.

But in this realm where my soul exist,

these words carry the weight of a lot of heart breaks.

I scroll timelines and watch stories of people around me

And nothing answers anything.

How do you mute a voice that is not even there?

How do you silent a calling that does not call you?

We live in a monochrome of speeding lights

each one piercing through our senses

Our being become this penetrable form that doesn’t confine substance.

But here we are looking left right above and below

Trying to find where these voices are coming from.

This is not a diluted Brownian finding purpose.

In this empty abyss, all I hear is voices.

And that is all that is in my mind.

But in my heart, is a different voice.

Telling me to keep loving you.

 

Then how?

First of all, I want to warn you that this post could sound a bit arrogantly narcissistic but it is not, or it’s not meant to.

Because one, I really don’t think I am that smart (because if not, I would’ve been making RM 15,000 to RM 25,000 a month in a senior management position right about now)

and two, I am very worried of the subtle ignorance of people which I think should not be there in the first place.

Here’s the thing. People of today’s world are not alert and observant when they want to do things. And I’m not even being specific about certain age groups whether it is the millennials or anything, I think it’s more of the world that is feeding the people of today. People choose to be aloof and blur thinking maybe that’s how creativity works. I’m not so sure if that’s how the world is built but during my days as I was growing up, being alert and fast allow me to be ahead of others. And I’m always, to this very day, aspired to be ahead of others.

The world has been leading people to be lazy in how they think and act because of what is available to them.

There’s Waze and Google Maps so that you don’t have to practice your navigation memory or the art and bravery of asking for directions.

There’s smartphones so that you don’t have to remember anyone’s phone numbers.

There’s flexible office hours at the office so that you don’t have to wake up early in the morning to go to work.

There’s the internet and ebooks so you don’t have to read normal physical books anymore.

There’s social media so you don’t have to build interpersonal skills to interact with people in physical life.

And of course there’s autocorrect so you don’t have to pay attention or be careful when you’re writing.

The worst part is, the world is championing and supporting all these advancement thus feeding the people until they don’t become resourceful, observant, alert and careful people with good interpersonal skills.

It’s not that I oppose any of these help. I too, am guilty for taking advantage of most of it.

But what kind of people will the world have now?

Keyboard warriors who are mostly dependent on the cloud and harddrive memories; do not have proper manners in real-life interaction and conversations; can’t write without using a spell-checker; have no navigation skills and wear glasses since they’re small?

I live and work among these people. My habits are slowly changing to fit in as well.

But then I look at myself. Am I being a smart-ass when I pointed out the smallest and simplest thing that one can do with one’s brain and not the help of technology?

I am not a smart person, if not I’d be rich by now.

But I really don’t want to be one of these people because I want to be ahead of them.

She is love

Before this, I live my life everyday with a lot of ‘what if’s.

That’s why the movie Sliding Doors really intrigued me. I like the fact that there are two possibilities. That there are two realms that possibly exist side by side.

Today, only one realm exist, and for now, I cannot for the life of me imagine it to be without her.

They say many things about love.

I have written many things about love.

But I have written those things in longing for love.

And now I am starting to believe that they too, wrote it, in longing for love.

The ideal love that they have envisioned to be when they finally get it.

Sometimes we assume things when we don’t know.

And that was what they wrote.

Love is this, love is that.

Love is seas, love is sack.

But when you meet the right one, everything you read, everything you said, could be crap.

Sometimes, I go through verses and verses of love poems from my favourite poets and still can’t find the right thing to describe her.

If love is magical, then maybe it could be a trick too.

For once in my life, I can’t write what love is.

Because it’s too complicated but feels so true in nature.

It is uncertain, I cannot say forever at all.

It is by the moment but you live life vicariously on a thread.

And the thing is, it is so real and yet surreal.

I no longer have ‘what if’s. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not but I realise that it is my life now.

And if anything that could define what love is,

I know for sure I can’t imagine anyone else than her.

in her abyss, love is the gravity that pulls everyone back to sanity.

Loud & Mute

For The Go Getters

Inquiring Feminist by Sufiah Yusof

Sufiah Yusof on feminism and media issues (2017)

Deborah Emmanuel

The work and wierd of..

maaf zahir batin

A Social Movement to Encourage Understanding and Forgiveness in the sacred month of Ramadhan

The Cosmic Abyss

in her abyss, love is the gravity that pulls everyone back to sanity.

qahina.wordpress.com/

A Hijabi with Style and Substance.

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