It’s amazing that I can’t poetically beautify your name when I address you. You’re just Time, but you hold such great power over everything and my entire being. From my thoughts, to my intellect, to my breathing, to my tears and of course, to my pain; you govern so much of it that I don’t know how to even compartmentalise you.
Yes, compartmentalise. A concept that I have no idea how to even start learning or understanding. As much as I am quite a tidy and neat freak with my stuff, as much as I arrange my wardrobe colour-based; I still suck at compartmentalising my emotions and my thought-process. I think a lot of my role models and biggest influencers in my life are great at compartmentalising; but not me. And it has got a lot to do with you, oh Time.
But when I think of you, I think of three other things that comes with you. Space, Patience and Constancy. In time, there is space, there need to be patience and of course, constancy.
With my life on a vacation right now, it’s a true test for me to be patient, to be constant, and to give space. I do have a lot of you on my side and I don’t know what to do with it. You’re healing me throughout (Yeah, Time will heal); and I need to be patient, and constantly remind myself to keep the spaces between me and other people like a flowing river. See, I can’t be too poetic when talking about you. I don’t know if it’s a technicality issue or you have such a stronghold on reality.
Last night, it was very timely that I finally got to read the letters sent by my voice of reasons from across the world. She told me how she admires and inspired by the way I love myself and how I love others. Especially on how I make sure that I put everything that I have in my heart into everything that I do and to everyone that I connect with. I made sure everything around me makes me happy. I cried, for half of the night, missing that person.
But you have given me phases of opportunities to develop myself. I get to be that person, then I get to be the best lover and carer for someone else’s heart, and now I get to come back and fill in more gaps for myself. It’s all you, Time. And all your oompa loompas along the way, nudging and reminding us with a little flick here and a little pat there.
My soul still lives by the second, and maybe because of that, it’s very overwhelming for me to feel the power of each moment. I used to be very oblivious to moments; it was just tick tock tick tock what can I do with the time that is given, until to a point that I even enjoy being idle. But now, each moment comes in fully, whole and heavy. I would take a nap because my eyes were heavy and after dozing off to a scene of a dream only to wake up realising only 5 minutes have passed me by. Or sometimes, I feel so so much heaviness of this love in my heart that I am keeping for someone because I can’t pour it out to her, and suddenly, I stand up right and like a carebear, I try to shine this love to the universe to whisper it in her being and it only took less than 3 minutes. What the hell am I supposed to do with the other 23 hours 52 minutes?
You have given me this Time, (oh Time), to learn how to master my emotions and thoughts. You are teaching me how to play and dance with you. And just like in real life, when I dance, I get confused on who’s leading. Do you want me to lead? Do I let go and let you lead? Oh, if this is a tango then we’re both screwed!
I’ll try to use you the best that I can. You are the pillar of my existence, just like Love and Kindness. If I can embrace Love and Kindness, I shall try my best to embrace you.
Just have hope and faith that I do, okay?
Just give me time.