Category Archives: Abby's Journal

To Love Songs

Dear Love Songs,

Why?

Why do you make us feel like we either need to live you, or that you are telling the stories of our lives?

Why do you make me cry when I listen to many of you, even though at times, it’s not related to my life at all but somehow you ignited the feelings within me that I felt so much for you?

Why can’t I write my own love songs? Is it because it has all been written?

I remember listening to love songs as a person who never knew what love is.

I now am listening to love songs as a person who have grown to be love herself.

So can I now be my own song?

A song that tells the story of a one true forever love?

A song that talks about how I wake up in the morning with thoughts that someone will wake up with smiles, not because she is thinking of me, but because she can feel all the love that I have for her?

A song that plans how the ideal future of building a home with the most amazing person I can ever find in my life?

A song that hums through a journey of ups and downs, of crash and burns, shouts and screams, of love and glory?

I don’t think I’ll ever sing my own love song. I could choke. I could choke because even with a love song that I can’t relate to, I am already crying – if it’s my love song, I can’t imagine the overwhelming emotions taking over me.

Maybe that’s why I can never write a love song.

So I wonder, how do people write you? How do you make sure that you’re hitting all the right notes, all the strategies, while being that one true food feeding the soul of those who loves love?

Please reply me with a song. One of your best love songs.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

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To The Future

Dear Future,

I know it’s a bit too early to talk about you but I have been thinking about you lately. And even if you’re nowhere near, your arrival is inevitable.

Yes, certain, that’s what you are. And I am very certain about a lot of things when I think of you. And of course, while I rather call it strategising and ambition-ing than what others might deem as delusional or in its malay entirety, ‘berangan‘, I truly believe in what I want to have in my future.

You definitely got me excited recently. And I kind of feed from this excitement. I practice in my mind, what and how it will happen – everything that I have plotted in you.

I love the certain things that is part of it. Funnily the heart and head, for the first time feels like they have found an agreement on something and that’s when I felt like the certainties are fitting. I have been trying to avoid using the word ‘right’. What I thought right might be wrong and when I am right, I probably left something out. So ‘fitting’ is something that is just apt for the moment and circumstance.

The one that I have been thinking of have all that I ever wanted and I know when it happens, when the universe gifts it to me as a present, it would be so much more.

It will have a home, that I get to build for and with the person I love the most. The home will embody both of us individually and as a unit. It will give us the family that we have always wanted, and the safe space that we will constantly improve and offer to everyone else as a refuge and escape.

It will have security, from things that will hold us back from achieving our dreams; and for us to explore adventures of seeing the world, learning about the many billions of people living in it, and understanding and caring for humanity.

And most importantly, it will have abundance of love. One I will consistently cultivate in my heart, in my soul, in my mind, in my smiles and in everything that I do. And that’s the everyday effort that I have been given the opportunity to make at this moment. My future, you, will flourish with so much love that it has become the entire purpose of it all.

It’s getting sunnier now. It was a bit gloomy earlier this morning. The near future will always make me smile. See, I know you’re near. Keep it warm, okay? Not too hot. I still want to consistently plot more things in you.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To Hollow

Dear Hollow,

In many ways, you have been found sacred. Although in definition, you’re a hole, an emptiness. To me, you’re that empty space that seems so light but feels so heavy.

Sometimes I look out of my window and felt how hollow it is this empty space within the universe in front of me, only filled by distance and air. And as much as air has its own molecule (and maybe that’s why I feel the heaviness), but the distant space in front of me feels empty.

And sometimes I feel this in my heart. And it’s crazy because first, I’m sure I don’t have that many airy spaces within my internal organs; and second, this emptiness somehow feeds to my being. As if I needed to feel or be this empty. So I feel you, I feel Hollow, in me.

I learned recently to make sure that most of my experiences, feelings, thoughts to be leaning towards positivity. I want to always smile and embrace everything that is happening to me consciously and subconsciously. But the thing is, you have also become a regular visitor to my being, to my soul. And funnily, I enjoy your company.

I do, enjoy your company. You have always been that emptiness that I cared for. So maybe, you are sacred. I just need to make sure I always smile when you’re around. So sadness doesn’t come follow, you know. Because as much as I respect sadness, it needs to be experienced just by itself. Because associating it with something else could be detrimental to my healing process.

Stay as long as you can but not too long.

For I still want to be full. Of my own self.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To Longing, When Will You Be?

To Longing,

It’s been awhile since we’ve been with each other. Sometimes I can’t remember our life together but somehow now everything seems so familiar, although, a little bit heavier.

That’s what experience do to you. They made you more solid so there’s a weight to everything now.

When we were together back then, it was for something I know nothing of. Something I’ve never experienced before, wholeheartedly. I had an idea of what it was, but it was just that, an idea.

Yes, I’m talking about love. No, it’s not lame. Everyone ought to be talking about love. Everyone should. That’s how we grow, with love. Every living thing in this universe grows on love. And we should not categorise love. Love is love. The more, the better, the faster you can grow with. Imagine a plant not being kissed by the sun or touched by water. Imagine a person not being kissed by lips or embraced by hugs. We all want to grow and we all need love to grow.

As I’m typing these words on my keyboard, I felt like a musician, a pianist, hitting the buttons of melodies and creating rhythm with the words that is coming from my heart. And that, I feel, so much love for what I am doing right now.

But this is something I wanted to talk to you about. After for so long, living with you, longing, I found Belonging. I found love. I learned how to love. I learned how love felt like, when it’s given to me. I can feel it so much, every single second of every single day. I felt belonged. The thing that I longed for so long, has become. It happens.

And now, circumstances and life, as we grow, brings me back to you, the state of longing. As much as I embrace and accept my reality, as much as I hope and envision my future, as much as I courageously carry myself through this healing process – Yes, I long. I long for love. But in a different context. Because I know it’s there, I have it, it is happening, but in a different dimension of reality that traverse through a multitude of emotions and a prism of consciousness. I am certain of the love that I have, I am certain of the love that I need, I am certain of the love that I want – but at the same time, I am yearning for its manifestation.

I do miss you. I do secretly enjoy this feeling. There’s a certain pleasure in hollowness and a certain need for void. There’s a weird craving for absence and a simple pleasure derived from distance.

You have been a good friend to me. But we know, we don’t belong to each other. But you’ll be in my life, for sure. You, longing, will keep on giving me that strength to run for another day, so I can be the love that I’ve always long for.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To Time

Dear Time,

It’s amazing that I can’t poetically beautify your name when I address you. You’re just Time, but you hold such great power over everything and my entire being. From my thoughts, to my intellect, to my breathing, to my tears and of course, to my pain; you govern so much of it that I don’t know how to even compartmentalise you.

Yes, compartmentalise. A concept that I have no idea how to even start learning or understanding. As much as I am quite a tidy and neat freak with my stuff, as much as I arrange my wardrobe colour-based; I still suck at compartmentalising my emotions and my thought-process. I think a lot of my role models and biggest influencers in my life are great at compartmentalising; but not me. And it has got a lot to do with you, oh Time.

But when I think of you, I think of three other things that comes with you. Space, Patience and Constancy. In time, there is space, there need to be patience and of course, constancy.

With my life on a vacation right now, it’s a true test for me to be patient, to be constant, and to give space. I do have a lot of you on my side and I don’t know what to do with it. You’re healing me throughout (Yeah, Time will heal); and I need to be patient, and constantly remind myself to keep the spaces between me and other people like a flowing river. See, I can’t be too poetic when talking about you. I don’t know if it’s a technicality issue or you have such a stronghold on reality.

Last night, it was very timely that I finally got to read the letters sent by my voice of reasons from across the world. She told me how she admires and inspired by the way I love myself and how I love others. Especially on how I make sure that I put everything that I have in my heart into everything that I do and to everyone that I connect with. I made sure everything around me makes me happy. I cried, for half of the night, missing that person.

But you have given me phases of opportunities to develop myself. I get to be that person, then I get to be the best lover and carer for someone else’s heart, and now I get to come back and fill in more gaps for myself. It’s all you, Time. And all your oompa loompas along the way, nudging and reminding us with a little flick here and a little pat there.

My soul still lives by the second, and maybe because of that, it’s very overwhelming for me to feel the power of each moment. I used to be very oblivious to moments; it was just tick tock tick tock what can I do with the time that is given, until to a point that I even enjoy being idle. But now, each moment comes in fully, whole and heavy. I would take a nap because my eyes were heavy and after dozing off to a scene of a dream only to wake up realising only 5 minutes have passed me by. Or sometimes, I feel so so much heaviness of this love in my heart that I am keeping for someone because I can’t pour it out to her, and suddenly, I stand up right and like a carebear, I try to shine this love to the universe to whisper it in her being and it only took less than 3 minutes. What the hell am I supposed to do with the other 23 hours 52 minutes?

You have given me this Time, (oh Time), to learn how to master my emotions and thoughts. You are teaching me how to play and dance with you. And just like in real life, when I dance, I get confused on who’s leading. Do you want me to lead? Do I let go and let you lead? Oh, if this is a tango then we’re both screwed!

I’ll try to use you the best that I can. You are the pillar of my existence, just like Love and Kindness. If I can embrace Love and Kindness, I shall try my best to embrace you.

Just have hope and faith that I do, okay?

Just give me time.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif

To the sombre Thursday morning

Dear Sombre Thursday,

I woke up to you with a slightly heavier heart than of yesterday’s hump Wednesday. The heart carries some thoughts and memories of the love that slipped away from my grasp.

Me, as a person, has very little control over myself. But then I look at the plants on my window panes. And the breeze of your cloudy wind brushes onto the leaves and somehow gives it life. I smile. Indeed a sombre kind of joy, but joy nonetheless.

The scent from the candles that I burnt last night by my window pane filled the air as I read my newsletters facing the window. Again, a sombre kind of joy, but joy nonetheless.

It’s not yet noon here, from this part of the Earth that I’m at right now. And as much as it’s bright as a day, the sun has not pierce its rays onto us yet. Waiting is something very heavy in my dictionary right now, though I would want to redefine it as ‘space’ and ‘opportunity’ instead.

It’s interesting that as ‘longing’ came back to my raison d’etre after a brief joy of ‘belonging’, the art of writing came back as well. Indeed it is an ‘either or’ ability. It is a sombre kind of joy, but joy nonetheless.

Today is going to be a slightly heavier day for me. But of course I’ll survive. We have survived through worse days, what can a sombre Thursday do that we have not gotten anyway, right? But I don’t disrespect you, sombre Thursday. This is your power. A sombre kind of power, but power nonetheless.

Well, you be good now. Go make friends with the birds and the rays. While I go make friend with this joy, at its best.

Yours Sincerely,

Abby Latif