“You would be great for this!”

Someone knocked my inbox with an opportunity that left me grinning for the past hour. An opportunity I’ve always thought not qualified for.

I just deleted a whole load of things I just wrote for this post. Sometime later, someone will read it wrongly and tell me how emotional I am.

If I am told to be less emotional, it is as if I am told to be less of myself.

And all I can think of is this, the poem I read on Saturday.

Aku. Tiga. Dan Lima.

ini kata puisi

dari karyawan yang lara.

barangkali bikin hujan timpa

lebih bergelora.

kisah cinta dihisab

satu malam panjangnya.

mengenai si tiga

dengan yang ke lima.

kalau aku kira sepuluh

kembali ke nombor satu

mungkin tiga dan lima akan ku curi

bawa pergi. jauh dari sini.

mungkin kita lenjun ketika ribut melanda

biar demam dalam kehangatan cinta.

bersama tiga. dan lima.

kalau empat tambah satu

dan empat tolak satu

tiga dan lima masih milikku.

hei tiga dan lima

lantang kau laung kata cintamu

yang dengar bukan satu, bukan seribu.

dan juga bukan aku.

tapi lagak karya sasar amir hamzah

atau nobatan cinta ilahi si rumi

ini puisi insan bernama abby

nombor ganjil tidak bererti

jadi biarlah aku, tiga dan lima

di dalam hutan gelap puaka

bermadu cinta manja dan lara

kerana kami semua

bukan uda, bukan dara.

hanya aku. tiga. dan lima.

PrayForMH370

There are men and women out there risking their own lives leaving loved ones to search for someone else’s loved ones.

Jangan berhenti berharap.

Everyone is doing their best. Please try to understand. Stop being negative about everything and preach negativity.

Terlampau laparkan maklumat, manusia mudah melontar kata sinis supaya air liurnya tidak meleleh.

Imagine the cost of the search team deployed – fuel, manpower, resources. I’m sure the authorities is exhausting as much as they can.

We just hope they are relentless in their trying while we ourselves deem helpless.

While some of us sits at the comfort of our homes scared of the haze outside and throw curses on their incompetence.

Please think that the things you say might hurt the people who are praying for hope.

Waking up to Composure

I am not the coolest person I know. In fact, I am the most uncool person I know. Seriously, a lot of my friends are so cool, I almost am considered LUKE WARM. And that, by standard itself means BORING.

We’re not Italians but my family could be the most dramatic expressive family I’ve ever seen outside of the idiot box. We could even topple down Korean drama box-office records if we have had better mainstream commercial looks.

I guess it’s the age. And celibating. At 31 years old, single and not practicing any kind of sexual activities, one can develop menopausal symptoms. Yes, I have enough braincells to (in)credibly develop this psycho-analysis of mine. I’ll be 32 this year. I might start shopping for a chastity belt soon. Got sell online or not?

But that is not the point of discussion for today. My last post was a good night post. A good night post written almost half a year ago. It was written on the eve of my birthday, because I was born in the wee hours of the morning. Thus why I love the dawn. And in that hour I am most pure and free and no one could disturb me. Outside of those hours, I’m (almost) doomed.

I have lost my balance a couple of time and I’m losing my focus. My heart cries at night hoping I find my soul in everything I do. I start questioning what’s right and what’s indifference. I start questioning indifference and nothingness. Why do I want to do things that does not include my name in the big picture? Why don’t I want to help make a name for myself? Selfishness arise from these questioning. I am falling not in my abyss but in worry and guilt. For being selfish. For wanting things for myself.

I realised, at the end of the day, I will only be remembered as “yang pakai baju putih kat hujung tu” (the one in the white shirt standing at the corner). 

So Please,

Dear God,

help me wake up in composure,

relieved of all these selfishness,

and take me out of this indifference.

in her abyss, love is the gravity that pulls everyone back to sanity.

Loud & Mute

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qahina.wordpress.com/

A Hijabi with Style and Substance.

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