A Tough Determination

“Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.” – Sarah Kay

 

I think this is just an infatuation. My friend, Dee, asked me, what made me attracted to her. I told her, she is a completely different person than I am, but there are those little things. How she’d pick mostly my favourite songs when she’s browsing my iPod while we’re in the car. When she sings to all the songs I love. Dee said, that’s just infatuation.

 

What I didn’t tell Dee was I love she reason out reactions and responses. How we discuss on the things that ticks us off and how to deal with it. And how she’s one of the most attractively witty person I’ve liked so far. But I was infatuated, then. I don’t know about now.

 

Dee mentioned, over coffee and cigarettes on a quaint Saturday morning, that “A heart that hurts is a heart that’s working.” She herself is going through a turmoil of heartbreaks, and as we sip our coffee and smoke our health away, it felt like we’re patching our broken hearts to each others.

 

I believe, what intimidates me the most, is the fact that I am not able to provide to her, things that I dream of providing to a partner. The ideal. And I’m striving for it, day by day, with hopes that I’ll get there.

 

And what saddens me the most, is this thought how I am striving to be the better person for myself, day by day, and it’s still not good enough for someone I’ve fallen head over heels for.

 

Seven months later after a failure in courtship, I still wanted this person. And I don’t know how long I will wait. People who carries a broken heart in their chest are pretty careful when they thread life’s journey. They’re fragile, thus cautious to ever fall again. We get cheap thrills and excitement constantly, but there are times we know things when they seem certain.

 

I once told her, “I’m not waiting for something better to come around the corner, you are my something better.” Do we throw sweet nonsense into the air when we’re in love? I don’t know. I am a poet, a love poet to be exact. If you want to talk sweet nonsense, I would be pens and papyrus of sweet nonsense. But when I think of a person and tell that person something which I only feel for them, not for a literary exhibition, I’m accountable to that emotions, and it’s a duty to honour those words.

 

I can’t promise someone things I’m uncertain off, except for my heart. And it’s the most certain thing because I’m picking up the pieces, putting it back together, reach out for her hand and place it in her palms. She once told me, she doesn’t want to break my heart. How can you break something that’s already broken?

 

I told her, maybe it’s the timing. Maybe we would be the right person for each other, but the timing is not right.

 

While we wait for the timing, all I can think of, is this bunch of lyrics from one of the greatest love song ever written, surprisingly by Daft Punk.

 

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there’s something about us I want to say
Cos there’s something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I’ll miss you more than anyone in my life
I’ll love you more than anyone in my life.

 

And she deserves to know that. When the time comes.

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One thought on “A Tough Determination”

  1. u remind me of this;

    i loved you once,perhaps i love you still,not altogether quenched within my soul,but nevermind no longer should you care, i do not want to cause you any pain.

    i loved you,silently and hopelessly
    at times too jealous and at times too shy,may God provide another who will love you,as gently and truthfully as i.
    – Alexander Pushkin

    plus

    jason derulo-what if.

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