I used to plan my life. When I was 18, if anyone were to ask me what I’ll be in 10 years, I can give them a whole scenario of what I’ll be doing at that exact moment, in 10 years time. Maybe that’s the writer in me. The ability to fictionise and visualise a scenario.
When I quit my job in 2009 and just decided to do whatever I wanted to do, without stability or back-up, I finally let go. Alone, still haven’t gotten over a previous heart break, I tried to sail through life without an anchor. The only stability I have, was myself. Again and again, I stumbled upon disappointment and obstacles. Trust me, I’ve had it all. From my car being towed, to going around town avoiding tollgates because I don’t have any cash with me. Declining dinner offers and shying away from gatherings. But there’s a blessing in everything. Every single thing that happened made me believe in myself, despite feeling suicidal. My faith constantly tells me, Rezeki itu ditangan Tuhan. I met interesting individuals, every single week. I drifted from one phase to another. Voluntarily. Waiting for the next thing life throws at me.
Two years of drifting will end soon. It’s Ramadhan now. A month, as beautiful as its name, that comes with changes for the better. I am telling myself, there’s something better awaits in the corner. God won’t throw me something I can’t handle. I grew up as an insecure girl. That girl who was ridiculed by the boys in her high school. The girl who had to carry the burden of responsibilities when all she wanted to do was silly mistakes.
After Ramadhan, September will come and I’ll be 29.
Dear Lord, I have faith in You. Have faith in me. I’ll make it through. And even if I don’t, the only way out is to come back to you.