i don’t know when ..

i love my mother. seriously i do. with all my heart and soul. would die for her if i have to. like say we’re in an accident, i’d rather be the one stuck in the engines or get hold by a jammed seatbelt as long as it’s not her.

maybe that’s why it breaks my heart when she shows how she doesn’t trust me or have no faith in me.

she has this thing where she will think everyone is of to make her feel bad or she will feel victimised in most situation. then she thinks that everyone will lie and cheat her off.

i am not a perfect daughter, the perfect person she’d want as her daughter. not the perfect muslim she’d have in mind. i think i failed her in that department. that devoted prim and proper daughter who would marry a decent guy and give her grandchildren and live happily ever after.

it’s sad when she comes in my room this morning saying that sh haven’t seen me praying and it seems that i have lost faith in god somehow rather, in her eyes. she said i used to pray a lot, and repeated ‘used to’ but not recently or now. she said all these ‘amal jariah’ that i kept on insisting my life to be focusing on is not what will build my house in the heavens. i tried to tell her, i do remember god, i try to find time and pray. doesn’t mean that i don’t do that ‘puasa enam’ during syawal, that she doesn’t see me pray on the praying mat, that i am religionless, that i have lost my faith and principles, that i have drifted in the land of the non-believers and are doomed for eternal sentence in the hell-fire. that is of course for god to decide.

i cry when i think of god. because i know i’m a sinner. i think about the divinity, being grateful for what i have all the time. rumi mentioned, there are a lot of ways to remembering god, not just by prayers. and there are also a lot of ways you can pray to god, outside the 5 obligated times. praying mat has become a very sensitive and sacred place. not a time spent on it that i wouldn’t weep when i raised my hands asking for strength, and most of the strength i ask for from god, is not for me, most of them is for my loved ones. because i think, maybe i have enough strength, but does my loved ones have enough? so i pray that they are always calm and composed when they face difficulties in life and have the strength to carry on.

of course we don’t tell our loved ones, ‘i prayed for you today, you better be thankful to me.” never. we just don’t. we pray for good health and constant food in our rice pots. but most of all, we observe our loved ones from afar. we know their weaknesses. so we pray for strengths. we ask god to give strengths to them.

frankly, i have nothing in my life to live for. i don’t know anymore. the only thing that keeps me living this life, is the thought that i’m here for others. the more i carry myself alone in this life, the more life is in-debt to those around me. my thoughts are always about others, how can i cope and help them. it kills me when i feel helpless. even though i seem to isolate myself from the crowd, i have other people in my mind.

mom will say, help yourself first. help other people later.

but …

who do you help, when you’re selfless?

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7 thoughts on “i don’t know when ..”

  1. You have much to give and much more to learn about as time goes on.. Mums can mean well, perhaps not always in the choice of words but their hearts are in the right place (well usually lol).

    Hang in there, babe. There’s your book of poetry!!! 🙂 Now thats something to look fwd to 😛

  2. Haha, thanks Lia.

    Well, after writing this, I know she meant well, of course, she’s my mom. But of course, we are both different individuals.

  3. This post feels like I am reading about myself. Especially the one on not having anything to live for. I struggle getting out of bed every morning thinking this is just another day to live with nothing to look forward at the end of the day. Having thoughts and doubts in my mind if this is how my life will be like until the end of time.
    But a friend told me once, you gotta live for yourself and not for others. There is a reason you are where you are and whatever you do in life you cannot satisfy every single soul. Especially not your families and close ones as they are the ones closest to you and most affected with your decisions.
    I hope you will find your reason. Be strong. Stand tall.

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