Season 2: Episode 7 – Life. And the person we grew up to be

Its hard to write with an empty stomach. The last thing I ate was keropok lekor, tiny bits of it actually. Not enough. Well, for me, its enough until lunch tomorrow. I usually survive. Usually… we’ll see.

I asked a few friends what they want to be when they grow up. Its not a normal question for 20 year olds, apparently, some claimed, they have grown up.

*buzzer* Eeeekkk. Wrong answer. Please proceed to the Exit.

What we forgot to be, is, ambitious.

What we took forgranted, is, ambitions.

We’ll never stop being ambitious, we should, never stop, being ambitious.

The misconception of life.

Once upon an August 2008, I was riding the bus to work. A friend commented on it virtually.

He said something like this – “Buses are for when we were in high school. We all have nice jobs now, we should afford a car and drive to work”.

*buzzer* Eeeekkk. Wrong answer. Please proceed to the Exit.

When I’m on the bus, everyone is at a level playing field. Everyone is the same. What distinguished you from the next person is whether you have enough change for the bus fare, and whether you’re smart enough to get a seat on the bus. I’ve seen perverts, criminal-looking normal people, people in their working suits and me. Yes, I see a lot of me on the bus. Me, the person who wanted to become normal.

I just revealed to a colleague that high school was not all fame, happening and dandy for me.

From what the guys shoved me into a 4-year inferiority complex was not something a normal person should experience in high school. Years of verbal and mental torture to the extend I realised how unworthy I was then in the eyes of male species of the damned earth. I found it hard to talk to guys after I left school, let alone pat them on the shoulders. But, there are nice people out there.

I learn that every one is an individual of their own. So I live my life as an individual. I grew up to be an individual.

In my first Toast master class, they pushed me for a 2-minutes table topic impromptu speech.

Title: What do you aspire to be in life.

I talked (in stutter) about wanting to be a humanitarian.

Despite sounding like a person who will break into tears any minute, the evaluator said something which made me smile.

“You talk with such honesty, like its something from your heart”.

Despite the common stage fright, yes, I did.

I grew up to be a very loving person. Someone who would joyfully hug you for no apparently reason. Someone who would love like there’s no tomorrow so its just today to show how much love you can give. Someone. An individual. With love.

When I filled my Darjah Satu record book, in the ambitions column, when I put ‘V.I.P’, I didn’t realise what a big impact it will bring to my life.

Very. Important. Person.

Saya mahu jadi V.I.P. V.I.P. duduk di dalam ofis sain dokumen dan balik rumah naik kereta ada drebar.

Misconception.

*buzzer* Eeeekkk. Wrong answer. Please proceed to the Exit.

I want to be that important person. Who tells people life will be okay. You can have ambitions. Even if you’re 50 years old. You can have happiness. Even if you don’t find a lover. You can have such joy, even when you’re feeling suicidal. You can smile at a funeral. Even if its your parent’s funeral. Because this is what Life is all about. Its the moments that you are blessed with it. Made with love. Live with love. Die and leave the love to grow on others.

I want to be on a dying bed, bedridden out of a fatal illness, so I get to say goodbye to everyone and tell them to celebrate the love of the ones they’re with.

But before that, like Jean Luc Goddard wrote in his script for his 60’s À bout de souffle movie,

“I want to be immortal. And then die”

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