It’s bloody 2am and I can’t freakin’ sleep. I opened the windows and let the darkness enter my room. most probably becos I seriously need air ventilation. heh. But, I always thought that an open air can clears some perspective. And maybe becos I woke up at 2pm today, I was a bit too lively towards the end of the day.
Last night I met a new friend who have been reading my blog. he told me I write ridiculously good. I don’t know whether I am too ridiculous so he think its good, or the writings are too good until it became ridiculous. or he’s just full of bullocks becos his anglo-centric brit slang took over him (sorry Naufal, I do seriously find you very much charming and cute, hehehe).
It’s funny to have that said to me, especially when I’ve written nothing of good substance lately, just an update of the hap’pening’s in my life. as if people would freakin’ wanna know whats going on in my bloody freakin’ lame life (do you???).
As this shit of crapload took over my mind, I wonder what have been going for the past few weeks that made me feel so resistant to writing.
It’s the fact that I’ve been loved a little less by someone whom I have loved so much. And most probably, not loved a little less but have not been loved at all.
This high school attitude will cost me big time, but I told Farah, reason being of this is not really being clingy or whiny, its being loyal and committed to a relationship.
Committed to a relationship does not requires clingy, pushy and demanding.
It requires faith in the relationship that you’ve built.
It requires trust in the commitment and effort that you’ve put in to make it work.
It requires the need to know that with the thought of you, that person would smile, and not grunt.
However, this does not happened to this person that I might have cared so much.
But I know I’m not being fair to the others who have loved me more and more and more.
For example, those who just know me briefly. I know I’m not a lovable person, not that I’ll be the most intriguingly interesting for anyone to have the need to befriend me.
But I know I’m a very loyal person, be it to family, to friends and to work. I’m very committed. I try my best to make sure I’ll worth everyone’s time and money and most of all, LOVE.
Seeing that been thrown at my face, is just …. saddening.
I’m a person of No regrets. I believe Things Do Happen for a Reason.
Maybe there’s a reason behind this. To tell me that I should grow up and move on.
Moving on doesn’t mean leaving things behind your back.
Moving on means that you can carry that shitload of burden irregardless of what happens to you.
I think this thinking hood is too heavy for me now.
I miss having time for myself. I miss hugging people. I miss crying in the dark.
If I die tonight, I doubt anyone would cry for me tomorrow.